Relationships

5 things an aching heart taught me

WhatsApp Image 2017-05-04 at 6.54.28 PMHeartbreak, this is the time in your life when you discover your elastic blood pumping organ is actually made of glass. Glass that pierces your very soul to the point you wish you could be opened and fixed.

How do you explain the pain, clogged by the lump on your throat as you attempt normalcy or the dark emptiness lingering beside the shadows of your existence. How do you explain loss?

With every wave comes wisdom, and a sense of acceptance that there is no right way to go through it and in most cases when emotions are involved there is rarely a way to avoid it.

  1. Know when it’s time to let go

I recently read The Alchemist, a book that has shaped my perspective on most areas of my life. With this book I begun to transition. After hanging on to a relationship for two years, with half of the time spent making it work, I realised that it was time to let go.

From the Alchemist I learned to heed omens and signs that life throws our way. Throughout most of the relationships I have had I cannot honestly say I did not see a break up emerging, but I chose to overlook and ignore them. However I have learned that that doesn’t stop the omens from coming back at you with even fuller force until sheer tragedy tears you apart and pushes you to leave. At this point of my Alchemist read, I was heading towards destructive heartache and I knew I had to leave.

  1. “Going Back” happens even to the best of us

Leaving a toxic relationship is not a phenomenon, it’s the thing common sense would direct us towards. But it’s not easy because at a point in time there was a reason why you were in that relationship in the first place. Fragments of “What we had and what we can regain” still linger. I applaud those who rightfully left and never looked back. For those that didn’t, I still applaud the effort made and for being brave enough to give love another chance in spite of the fears that may still be in the air. I understand the phrase “We got back together” because sometimes it does work out and its magic and other times…

  1. Nothing will make you leave but

You. And I know for friends of those in an on and off relationship this can be a tumultuous period, where you fail to understand why your persistent advice keeps going unheard. But this is a personal decision one has to make out of their own will. Advice can be shared but support is more important and the patience to know that you have to fall a couple of times before you learn how to walk.

  1. In the end only three things Matter
  • How much you loved

Love is beautiful, things get blurry with time and circumstance. But be happy and thankful that even for a split second you experienced it. I don’t plague memories with regret simply because it’s a heavier and darker thing to hang on to when the start and in-between moments were filled with so much significance and joy.

  • How gently you lived

The fragility of the heart and cuts from a heart break signify the gentleness of your soul. What happened was filled with good intent, and even though it did not work out for a while you did something good. How that was received is something you cannot control.

  • How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you

My final lesson in transitioning was that of respect for yourself and others and forgiveness of yourself and others. Despite what tragedy might have occurred maturity and grace must be applied through the pain. Anything less drags you down as it heaves into a web of needless drama.

In the word of one of my favourite Aunt who I now realise listens to Selena Gomez “Kill them with kindness” 

  1. Love yourself

Finally, sometimes being single sucks  but so does being in a relationship at times. From my heartache I learned lessons in self-love, I have not mastered this but I know these five things are true:

  • I loved myself enough to walk away from a situation I did not deserve to be in.
  • I loved my self enough to know I am enough and worthy to be with someone who sees that.
  • Because I love myself enough, I will not let anyone love me less than I do.
  • I love myself enough to be honest and realise that who I lost was once very important to my life and they played a big part in helping me grow. Regardless of how things ended that’s something I have to recognise and respect.
  • I also love myself enough to work towards not getting back to that dark space again even when it’s hard and fail to see past the moments of pain. This also means recognizing that in most cases for couples to get to that point it takes two and therefore I need to work on my flaws.

“And when I get lonely these days I think…so be lonely, and learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience…. Because until you get comfortable with being alone, you will never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness” Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat Pray Love

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